Dear Mom,

I was going to call and ask if Gooneybird could come see his Bubba and if Dorian could get her Mum to make her dinner Sunday, but. Oh well.
Also, I meant to ask you OH MY GOD THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY UNDERPANTS WHAT IS IT
Just kidding. I wanted to know that if I have apple juice in my fridge that is slightly effervescent and is kind of not supposed to be....is that a Bad Thing...? I mean....uhm. I probably should not drink that? It won't kill me if I did a little, right, because it was kind of tasty. No, sadly, I am not joking. And yes, I am still your daughter. You should be asking yourself exactly how many times you dropped me right about now.
You should probably just email me, because if I call, Dad will yell at the phone.

BAH BUDDY!

Yep. This is how I talk to my own mama. Stop being shocked now. I am known for my irreverence.
As far as dirt on my mum, Frobisher.....well.....all I have to say is that I act like more of an adult than she does.... And occasionally she is very nice to strangers. It's freaky.
She also sings songs about our dogs to herself. Constantly. It's like tourette's, but about a small, smelly, hideous potato of a dog.
Ummmm. Other than that, she doesn't really do anything too horrible. Well, when I was a kid, she wore pants that were magenta with black and yellow and green.....fleck...thingies...on them....it looked a lot like someone threw up on them.
I think it was just to embarrass me. It was the 80s, man. I wore jams. It was a bad scene. Except my mom...was gleeful....with her bad-pants-wearing.
I dunno, dude.